Make Us Feel at Home

The three of us were sitting on this couch discussing how much we and America have both changed in our absence. So we have decided to give you a list of some things that you and yours can do while we are with you to make us feel a little more "at home."

1. When we ride with you, drive as fast as you possibly can showing no regard whatsoever to stop-signs, traffic-jams, speed-bumps or small children.

2. If we come into your store to buy something; please argue with us for fifteen minutes about the price listed on the box.

3. Every time you see us with Noah, you can tell us what bad parents we are and why we are messing up our child according to the most outlandish "old wives tale" you know.

4. After we say hello to you, please tell us how good our English is. Then after another five minutes of conversation, tell us how bad our English is and that we need to practice more.

5. Please park your shopping cart sideways to block the entire aisle at the supermarket, then glare and grumble under your breath when we ask you to get by because you had to move.

6. Become a chain smoker and try to smoke as many cigarettes as possible while around us while blowing smoke in our faces. This is a good option anywhere: your house, our house, an enclosed car, the supermarket, the hair salon, the mall, etc. Especially if there is a "No Smoking" sign nearby.

7. Whenever you see Noah, pick him up and carry him off, then pass him off to someone you don't know, who will pass him on, so that when we see him again he is with a complete stranger.

8. Constantly share with us your political views, especially opinions on Bush, Jews, and Americans ruining the world, and don't stop even if we agree with you to try to get you to be quiet.

9. When you find out we are Americans tell us about your brother in Chicago (or Houston, or Detroit, or Florida) and ask us if we know him.

10. You can sneak into our house five times a day, starting at 5 in the morning and shout at us with a bullhorn, "Allah Wa Akbar!" And if it is Friday you can add your angry voice and go up several decibels.

11. You can delete the "P" from your vocabulary and exchange it with a "B." So please offer us "Bebsi and Bizza" and let us play "Butt-Butt Golv."

12. Have a meter installed in your car.

13. When you see us kiss us on both cheeks repeatedly, but don't hug us.

14. Feel free to throw your trash wherever is suitable and easy for you: our front yard, the street, in our mailbox, in our backyard.

15. Leave all your trash and left-over food strung out all over your table and on the floor surrounding your table whenever you eat out so that someone else can clean up your mess.

16. Please serve us hot tea and coffee whenever we see you, and if we refuse fill our cups anyway and make us drink some more. This method can also be used with food, until we have consumed at least 3 plate fulls.

17. In a restaurant please offer us a choice of several options, and when we make our choice, tell us, "Sorry, we don't have it." Or better yet, advertise your special, and when we order it, tell us, "We don't serve that, it is just a nice picture."

18. Please be at least an hour late to all events. To make us feel even more at home, come several hours late, or not at all.

We look forward to seeing you guys soon, less than two weeks now!